Day of the Scurvy Dog
by Channel D
Summary: It's Talk Like a Pirate Day again, and it may be the last one for Gibbs' team, as the new Director Vance is splitting them up. How do pirates react? Oneshot; sequel to last year's Avast!, which you may want to read first.


**Day of the Scurvy Dog**

**by channelD**

- - - - -

_written because:_ I did one of these last year (_Avast!_). You might want to read that one first.  
_rating_: T  
_sequel to_: **Avast!  
**_genre_: light  
**Spoiler Warning:** _setting_: Post _Judgement Day_, probably by days.

- - - - -

_disclaimer_: I own nothing of NCIS, nor of anything pirate-y. More's the pity.

- - - - -

_Plock!_ The knife that Dread Pirate Ziva had lazily flicked from her hand buried itself inside the wood of the top of her desk. Just as it had on the other 15 or so attempts.

"Arrrr! That be some mighty fine blade-throwin', Dread Pirate Ziva!"

She had to compose a sentence in her mind before answering. Pirate English was not the same as normal English, although she had practiced since last year. "I be thankin' ye fer thet, Mr. DiNozzo."

It was another Talk Like a Pirate Day at NCIS, and Cap'n Gibbs' team was attired appropriately. DP Ziva wore a pirate man's shirt; a blouse-like affair, with a medallion. DP Tim wore the eye patch this year, since Bos'n Tony had already said he wasn't going to. Of course, DP Tim knew something that Bos'n Tony didn't: that the comely wench Dread Pirate Abby would also be wearing an eye patch today. DP Tim found this romantic. In a pirate way.

"An' who gave ye leave t' muck up gov'ment property, Dread Pirate David?" Her boss' voice carried a mild sting. His sports coat had a tasteful skull-and-crossbones patch on the pocket.

She tried to answer her captain more quickly. "Arrrr. It be my desk no more after t'day, Cap'n. I be just leavin' NCIS somethin' t' remember me by." Her eyes rose to the third-floor balcony, and she stiffened, only then fingering her knife.

Cap'n Gibbs followed her gaze. "Leon…" he drawled, seeing the new Director looking over the railing.

Oddly enough, Leon Vance had embraced the spirit of Talk Like a Pirate Day. He wore a suit, to be sure, but also a pirate tri-corner hat, and a live blue-gold parrot was perched on his shoulder.

Vance came down the stairs, frowning; the parrot on his shoulder flapping his wings and squawking a little at the disturbance. "DiNozzo, I gave you the day off to attend to your affairs before you ship out. Why are you here? And you, too, David—"

"Wench! Wench!" squawked the parrot.

"Me security clearance is, uh, be good through Sunday, arrrr," DP Ziva replied, keeping in character better than Vance did. From the corner of her eye she noticed DP Tim, at his desk, smiling at her and nodding encouragement. "This be me last TLAP Day, Director. Mayhaps forever. I am..I be wantin' t' spend it wi' me mates."

"Arrrr, hit be th' same wi' me," said Bos'n Tony, adjusting his fake wooden leg. He'd figured people would congratulate him on his creativity with it; instead, most of the comments he'd received were, " 'A fake wooden leg'? Isn't that redundant?"

"It's your free time you're wasting." Vance sighed and went back up to his office. DP Ziva waited until he was gone, and flicked the knife back into the desk, but more forcefully.

It was the end of an era. The team was being broken up, and this day, a Friday, was their last day together. But it was also TLAP Day, and they'd all secretly hoped that the holiday's pure fun would gladden them just a bit…one last time…

Dread Pirate Tim stared at Vance as the Director left the room. Then he left his desk and hustled to Cap'n Gibbs' side. "Bo—er, Cap'n! Thet parrot th' Director be sportin'—'twas th' same one as we gave Director Jenny last year! I be rememberin' thet uneven coloration o'er its left eye. Th' bird were taken in by Director Jenny's maid, after Jenny died."

The captain nodded. "I be thinkin' th' same. Canna be good, however he came by th' bird."

"_He_ be no good," said Bos'n Tony, sourly. "'Twould be nice t'—"

Cap'n Gibbs held up a hand. "He be the boss, Mr. DiNozzo; we canna go again' his orders."

"But he broke up our team fer no good reason!"

"Tis not a crime."

"Nay, but this be," said DP Ziva, flourishing the lock pick she had picked from the Director's pocket.

"Under th' right circumstances…"

Bos'n Tony hung up his phone. "Cap'n, Jenny's maid filed a police report this mornin'. Said her home had been broken into, an' her parrot stolen."

Gibbs considered. "Now thet—combined wi' breakin' us up—be a crime. Imagine; disgracin' th' good name o' TLAP Day like thet!"

"An' we canna let criminals get away wi' it," said Ziva, breaking into a sly smile.

"Nay. We can not. Here be what we will do…"

- - - - -

It would not be legal, Cap'n Gibbs' plan. But it would be sweet revenge. They would go down fighting. 

Dread Pirate Abby, Sawbones Ducky and Sawbones Mate Palmer all bought into the plan. Abby burst into the squad room, right after Gibbs called her. Her eye patch matched Tim's, and they stopped and ooo'ed at each other's good taste. Eyepatches were sexy among pirates.

Then Sawbones Ducky came up, also sporting an eyepatch. DPs Tim and Abby exchanged a glance. So much for that theory.

"Aye, aye; what be yer plan, Jethro?" asked Ducky.

"Ye could lose yer job o'er this, Duck," cautioned Gibbs.

"So? Then I find me another. It be worth th' risk."

"Can I do more this year than put my cutlass in my teeth and say 'Arrrr!'?" asked DP Ziva.

"Aye, thet ye can," said Gibbs. He pointed to Palmer, looking faintly peculiar in pirate-patterned scrubs and a red bandana. "This year, thet be _his_ line."

- - - - -

The U.S.S. _Barry_ had been moored at the Navy Yard for a number of years, and could not be made to set sail again without some work. But there was another ship nearby, across the Anacostia, as it turned out: a tall ships replica called _The Revenge_. Or it had been called that until Bos'n Tony took some paint to it and made it _The Revenginator_. Under the instructions of Cap'n Gibbs (who seemed to know _everything_ about ships), the group of six quickly cast off from the dock and set sail for the Yard, DP Abby in the crow's nest with a spyglass.

"Thar he be, th' scurvy dog!" she cried. "Th' lily-livered Vance, at 2 o'clock."

Vance was hosting a gathering of dignitaries and the press in a ceremony in Willard Park, across from NCIS HQ. It was the kick-off of a weekend forum on Pirates and the Navy.

Cap'n Gibbs put down his own spyglass, and smiled. "Ye'll wish ye'd never crossed us, Leon."

- - - - -

"It was in the Barbary War, 1801, when the U.S. Navy first battled pirates." Director Vance spoke from the podium set up in Willard Park. The S.S. _Barry_ made a nice backdrop, as was intended. "The U,S. government, in 1799, had started paying a staggering _18,000 a year_ in tribute to Tripoli alone to avoid pirate attacks on American ships. Other governments in North Africa demanded tributes as well. Failure to do so had meant seizure of ships and crew. But there comes a time when men and women everywhere say 'Enough is enough!'"

The crowd gasped. Vance was puzzled; surely those last words were not enough to make one gasp.

"_Ahoy, the Yard!"_ As his borrowed ship docked, Cap'n Gibbs' voice came clearly through a battery-powered megaphone. Clever, modern pirates would not needlessly cling to the past. Successful ones wouldn't, anyway. _"Prepare to be boarded!"_

DP Abby had clambered down from the crow's nest, and she grabbed DP Tim by his lapels. "Later on, me lovely, you an' me'll be doin' our own boardin', hmm?" He only blushed and grinned.

Director Vance turned at last; his face stormy. "Gibbs! What is the meaning of this?!"

"Seadog! Seadog!" squawked the parrot on his shoulder.

"It be time t' bring ye before pirate justice!" That was Sawbones Ducky.

"Arrrr!" agreed the sawbones mate, his cutlass properly in his teeth.

Cap'n Gibbs and his crew disembarked, the captain leading the way with DP Abby's costume shop plastic scimitar. "Ye chum-swillin' albatross; come an' take yer punishment like a man!"

The crowd in the park laughed and applauded. Rarely was the Navy this creative with its shows.

Vance was all too aware of this. He also knew Gibbs well, and knew this was more than a joke to him. "You are out of line, Agent Gibbs," he said through gritted teeth.

Gibbs only grinned…dangerously. "Seize 'im, boys! An' wenches!"

Over the laughter of the attendees and the press, Vance was quickly subdued; his hands tied behind his back with rope. "I'll have your jobs for this!" he yelled.

" 'Dead men tell no tall tales'," quoted DP Ziva.

"Almost right, but I like it," said DP Abby.

"What d' yer think, Mr. DiNozzo? Shall we keelhaul th' rum chum-bucket?" Cap'n Gibbs walked around the glaring captive slowly, appraising him.

"We han't had a good keelhauling in some time, Cap'n! 'Twould be fun fer th' crew."

Sawbones Ducky spoke up. "Cap'n, young Palmer an' I been collecting toothpicks an' glue in our free time. We've made this flat which would do ver' well, if'n we wanted t' make 'im walk th' plank." He brought out a fifteen-foot 'board' of well-glued toothpicks.

The Washington-based press roared. They knew little of this newcomer to the ranks of the officials, and so had glommed onto the small, visible quirks. His fondness for toothpicks was already the talk of the town.

"Are you _crazy_?!" Vance snapped. "That's no plank! It's made of _toothpicks_! It can't _possibly_ hold me!!"

"Be the glue dry, young Palmer?" Sawbones Ducky asked.

"Aye, sir!"

"Then thet be as good as it gets! Mr. DiNozzo, Dread Pirate Timothy, if'n ye would be s' good as t' attach th' plank t' th' ship…"

"You can't make me—!" Vance sputtered, but of course, he was wrong. One step on the laughable 'plank' and he was dropped into the river while the crowd screamed in delight. Flashbulbs turned the surroundings white, cameras recorded, and news reporters could not keep the grins off their faces and they taped the endings to their reports. It was a story that would make the news bits all across the country.

Bos'n Tony whooped. "We be partyin' like it's 1699!"

- - - - -

Once in dry clothes, and back in his office, Director Vance sought to rescue what little remained of his dignity. It wasn't easy, particularly considering how he'd had to bite back his anger when the SECNAV called to congratulate him on his 'unorthodox, but brilliant, publicity stunt that had cast such a favorable light on the Navy'.

Everyone assumed it was something he'd planned. He couldn't do anything to the…_pirates_, without looking like a monster.

But he did call Cap'n Gibbs, Bos'n Tony, and DPs Ziva and Tim to his office. "You had your little fun," he growled. "But this changes nothing. You're still split up. Go. Have a good life," he smirked.

"Barnacles," squawked the parrot on his shoulder, which then took the opportunity to poop there.

- - - - -

It was almost the end of the work day. Tim, Ziva and Tony finished packing up their personal possessions from their desks. Gibbs watched, looking sad.

"TLAP be almost o'er," said DP Ziva, wiping back a tear.

"Let's take a vow: Thet whate'er it takes, we be back t'gether by th' next one, hey?" said Bos'n Tony.

"Best idee' ye've had all week, Mr. DiNozzo," said Cap'n Gibbs.

"We be findin' a way t'make it so," said DP Tim, as they all gathered in a big hug. "T'gether again by th' next TLAP Day."

"_Long_ afore then," the captain agreed.

"Arrrr!" the other three chorused.

- END -


End file.
